Content Warning: Discussion of psychosis. In an attempt not to retraumatize, I have written in general terms.
Then the Tempter took Jesus to Jerusalem, the Holy City, set him on the highest point of the Temple, and said to him, “If you are God’s Son, throw yourself down.”
— Matthew 4:5 GNT
The goal of this reflection is to provide insight into what psychosis feels like. My hope is to inform people who have never experienced a mental health crisis. This devotion is based on my own experiences with psychosis. Although it has been over 14 years since my last psychotic episode, my numerous experiences were traumatic enough that I remember them vividly.
My first episode with psychosis can be described as a waking nightmare. I was 18. During this crisis, I maintained my composure while carrying out my regular activities. I presented well, walked around the house, journeyed to Dairy Queen for my usual shifts, took the train home, and socialized with the guys in the neighborhood. The psychosis settled in the background like lingering white noise during the waking hours of the day. When I attempted to go to bed the ambient hum of psychosis became a roar. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to sleep. On top of the insomnia was a variety of psychological torment that I will not repeat in this blog because it could deeply upset the reader.
When this episode happened, I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t seek help, and I didn’t deviate from my daily schedule. Wearing a mask of normalcy and good health was my solution to this serious problem. I refrained from seeking help because I believed that undergoing treatment, psychiatric appointments, and counseling would potentially hinder my progress and set my life back. Little did I know, medical assistance would have saved me time in the future. I only got more and more unwell as time wore on.
When I think of the torment I felt when I tried to sleep during psychosis, I think of Jesus in the wilderness. When the Tempter asks Jesus to test God, I relate. I encourage all Christians to imagine what it felt like for Jesus, after 40 days of fasting, after spending time in isolation, imagine what it was like for Christ to deny the tempter three times.
Here’s the thing: I am not Jesus Christ. I would handle a long fast, in a parched landscape, in isolation very differently. I believe that I would fold. That is why I now believe that I need to seek assistance outside of myself. That 18-year-old version of myself tried to take on psychiatric problems on his own, and he spent eleven years stumbling. It wasn’t until I reached outside of my own orbit that I found the elusive path of recovery.
A PRAYER: Great Spirit, gracious Creator, incarnate of the Divine, we sometimes forget that your hand is always extended, ready to help us. Move us to reach out and get help when life is unbearable.
