Picture this: I am sixteen years old, and mental health issues have begun to manifest in my family. My mother and I attend a public health workshop for families. The facilitator starts by sketching out a chart on the whiteboard. She begins the graph by drawing two parents at the top. Next, she proceeds to draw in the children. The oldest child is first. She indicates that the eldest often overachieves and applies themselves in academics. This struck me as odd, as it resembled my brother who had recently completed a year at Oxford. Next comes the middle child. Again, I am taken aback, as she describes how the middle sibling often acts out. This is peculiar because the reason for attending this information session is my middle brother’s recent challenging and diagnosable behavior. Finally, the youngest is described. That’s me. She portrays a person who seeks the spotlight, excels at telling jokes, and loves to entertain. Her description of my family is so accurate that it frankly makes me nervous and slightly frightened.
I am confident that codependency exists because I was raised in a codependent family system, and I have been working in either addiction treatment or ministry since 2013. As a Pastor, I can only describe my experience with codependent family systems, similar to the one the workshop facilitator depicted on a whiteboard back in 1997. I am not an expert on the causes of codependency or the psychology behind it. What I do know is that I have faith that codependency is real and more powerful than human will. “Insidious” would be an apt word to describe the patient, immovable, and dominant external force that codependency is.
As a dependent in a codependent family system, here’s how I can define the “word of the day.” Codependency is a reaction to the disorder or chaos of an individual with whom you have a close relationship. If someone in proximity or relation to you is dealing with an addiction disorder, mental health condition, propensity for abuse, or numerous other life-altering conditions, codependency often manifests as a variety of behaviors aimed at trying to control the demeanor of another person whose actions are not controllable by external forces.
Definitions are great, but my experience with codependency is probably more authentic. So, here it goes. My grandfather drank every day. Consequently, my mother tried to control my behavior by imposing incredibly rigid rules, including strict curfews, screening my friends, and rigorously regulating my schedule. When that didn’t work, she attempted to control me and curb my drinking through damage control. She couldn’t help but clean up the mess I was leaving behind. My mom did everything from tidying up my disastrously sloppy apartment to paying for my impounded car. She bent over backward, and when caught up in the codependent family system, she genuinely believed she was helping. I only changed when she drew a line in the sand and told me she wouldn’t assist me unless I asked for medical help.
I have witnessed codependency being effectively addressed and counteracted. If I had to use an umbrella term to explain how codependency is countered, I would choose “community.” Isolation, rigid independence, and fervent individualism are often traits of codependents. Community counters many habits and instincts of a dangerously self-reliant codependent. Sharing and seeking help from others go against the grain for codependents. Moreover, admitting that you’re codependent often means admitting that someone close to you is unwell. Codependency thrives and gains strength when kept a secret, which is why support from others is essential to maintain awareness of codependent behavior.
This is where the church comes in. If chosen, a church community can be a puzzle piece in a holistic solution to address codependency. Many pieces of support and community already exist within church communities. However, vulnerability is not always normalized at church. Secrets can sometimes dominate in Christian communities. In my journey as a pastor, I’ve encountered many people concerned about being judged for discussing a loved one’s disorder. I’ve observed a belief among some church folk that admitting having a loved one struggling with dependency will somehow link them to causing the disorder. Such a belief is almost always a fallacy.
Among church members, I’ve seen nothing but willingness and support when asked to help someone dealing with codependency. The enthusiasm to aid a codependent individual is abundant among the congregants I’ve worked with. Unfortunately, over my last decade in the church, I’ve noticed a lack of education about codependency at church.
In my next two blog posts, I will first explore how I triggered codependent behavior in others. Then, I will delve into my role as a pastor and how that relates to codependency. My goal is to create dialogue and understanding of what it’s like to live in a codependent family and how that relates to life in a church community. Rather than offering one-size-fits-all solutions, I will describe what has worked for me.
Thank you and Amen.
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